The days when you could build your own house over the weekend with a few buddies and a case of beer are over, because everyone who believed in them is buried under several tons of drunkenly installed roofing. “Quickly building a house” and “Availability of cases of beer” are widely separated regions in history, and we’re definitely in the better one. But in this economy, the phrase “but in this economy” has become an override command to make you pay more for less than ever before. One more “crisis” and banks will be demanding a kidney just to make an appointment. Every checking account comes with a competitive rate on booking dialysis appointments!
The only difference between most modern mortgages and an actual iron collar is that the collar can be melted down for cash value. “Negative equity” is how the banks proved that revolutions simply don’t happen any more. But in Man Cave, we decided that if we’re going to screw over our future selves, it’ll be because we hotwired a TARDIS and used it to remind our future wife of how much hotter we were when we were young. In the Man Cave, coming up with alternate places for men to live is our entire deal.
Cave
We really couldn’t start anywhere else. Because neither could the entire species.
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Paleo diet? We’re on the paleo property ladder.
One important problem is that most mountains get in the way of wireless reception. Your new paleo home would leave your smartphone cut off from the world, which technically means it’s even more unlivable than one without running water or a food supply. Sit in any modern restaurant and look around: and you’ll see people arrive and check their phone long before they order food, or even ask for a glass of water.
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Forget the bill, the first romantic thing you can do is get them the wifi password.
Another problem is that caves tend to be occupied.
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On the upside, you’ll win every “I had the worst roommate” conversation.
You could clear the bears out, but you might be better off working out a cohabitation based on mutual respect. An angry bear can compensate for the lack of electricity, entertainment, alarm clocks, and you won’t miss the internet when you’re constantly battling an angry grizzly. It’ll be a good simulation of online arguments and you’ll keep fit!
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“I HAVE STRONG OPINIONS ON THE GOLD STANDARD!”
You’ll never be late again. There’s no snooze button with an alarm grizzly. Because even if you do work out a snooze punch to put the bear back to sleep for ten minutes, anyone who can knock a bear out doesn’t have to get up. Because there’s no one who would dare tell them where to go or when to be there.
Pyramid
The most famous buildings in the world, because if you’re going to make your own home, you might as well go big.
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And your roommates are very quiet.
The problem is that the famous stepped-stone style isn’t how they’re meant to look. The pyramids were originally plated in white limestone, a smooth and shining beacon of tetrahedral stone bling, but the beautiful coverings were stolen by nearby cities the instant the pyramid was left unattended by the protective covering of desert. Which means that the most famous building in the world is the architectural equivalent of an old Ford up on blocks with the wheels stolen.
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Pharoah Khufu’s car
The problem with pyramids is that they’re crap. No lighting, an awful commute, the average active volcano has a greater ratio of livable space to rock used, and the ventilation was so bad they were only used to house people who were already dead. It was such a colossal waste of effort, you’d be better off spending a year punching yourself in the testicles. At least then you’d be generating new medical data.
Treehouse
Most people stepping away from the standard rat-race options are doing it to fulfill a childhood dream. Which is why our dream of a human-sized rat-racing maze is our most contradictory desire.
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It’s easy to diet when you can’t remember the way to the kitchen. And you’ll finally have reason to let Jehovah’s Witnesses come inside.
The treehouse is the easiest way to clear your life of annoyances. People paid a dollar to litter your house with flyers can’t be bothered, you won’t be burgled unless there are monkeys (and if you are: awesome, monkeys!), and nothing warns people about how serious you intend to be when you say “Do you want to come back to my treehouse?” It’ll even improve your phone reception.
And instead of pretending you’re not in, you can pretend you’re in with pots of boiling oil. And not pretending.
Unfortunately it’s only slightly better than building a house out of gingerbread in terms of turning up on government registries. And not just the “clearly didn’t have planning permission” ones. And the architectural requirements have grown a little since we were kids. You used to need some planks, a hammer, and a total absence of adults who’d prevent you playing with both a neck-breaking distance above the ground. Now you’ll need expensive blueprints, a large amount of high-quality lumber, and a time machine to travel back and destroy the concept of Ewoks so that the mere thought of them doesn’t ruin things for you when you’re living in the trees.
Lighthouse
There’s a definite message when your house isn’t just far away on a rocky island, but actively lighting a huge beacon specifically to tell people to keep the hell away.
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“Are they still showing Duck Dynasty?”
The house’s light was the world’s first and most important status update. That status was “Things around here really suck,” showing that nothing has changed since. And “building a giant middle finger pointing at the entire sea and setting the top on fire” beats the hell out any tweet.
Rocky shores offer the world’s most interesting gym, with swimming, rock-climbing, and the sort of bracing sea-spray walk which keeps you fit while giving you a Liam Neeson face at no extra charge. You’ll also win every single “Zombie plan” argument in existence.
Missile Silo
There’s never been a better time to pretend you’re a Bond villain. Modern civil servants need five and health and safety analyzes before they’re allowed to rent a car, and health and safety officers can’t even say the words “nuclear missile silo” without applying for emotional trauma compensation.
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Just think of the keg party you could have.
Nuclear missile silos are the most phallic buildings possible outside of train tunnels, and you can’t live in those for long without becoming a pancake. Whether that’s a pro or a con is really up to you. It’s important to know yourself in your own home.
The only con with a missile silo home is how you mustn’t have an internet connection. True, these facilities were designed to do nothing but keep their people indoors, connected to the rest of the world, and able to respond with the most powerful comment possible with available technology. That sounds like the perfect place to surf from. But secret world defense guidelines forbid anyone from having access to nuclear launch capability and the internet at the same time.
When it was pointed out that it would take inhuman levels of hatred-fueled strength to re-arm such a silo single-handedly, the real estate agent asked “Have you ever read a comment section?”
Image may be NSFW.
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Luke McKinney writes about games, drink, science, and everything else that makes life amazing. He’s a columnist on Cracked and writes for several beer magazines. He’s also available for hire. Follow him on Tumblr and Twitter @lukemckinney.
You want manliness at home? Try repelling these 5 Creepy Squatters Living Where They Shouldn’t.
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Oh well, it’s still better than what you’ll find on Craigslist.
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